How Could This Happen?
by Real1Swear
Summary: Never sleep with the enemy.
1. Play The Game

Ok so I haven't written on this for literal years I think, but Reylo got me so bad i am tossing myself into the trash compactor that is this ship.

I won't bother addressing the current problem in this fandom currently (assholes) but just know if anyone steals this I will be forced to take very violent action against them. The force is not strong with me but the right hook definitely is.

ANYWAY HERE IS SOME FUN REYLO! This takes place about a year after events of TFA and definitely contains some spoilers. Also lemons cause try and stop me. heh.

"Another round?" The scantily dressed woman looks up at me through thick dark lashes, eying my helmet which sits on the stool next to me.

"No, and he doesn't like people staring" I nod my head toward the helmet keeping my face straight. I can feel her fear and confusion radiate off her before the bar woman smiles and saunters off to her next target. The strong liquor that once filled the small crystal glass in front of me has little effect, my strength with the force does not allow my mind to be easily intoxicated. The longing to drink more, drown every thought and memory I call my own and wander through these barren lands as a simple drunkard without ambition or purpose is almost on par with that of leaving the small outpost immediately and ridding myself of the appalling company of these uncivilised beasts.

As if on cue, a loud party enter the make-shift tavern laughing and knocking over a table.

It is then I feel her.

Such a long time ago, yet mere months since the ignorant dessert dweller somehow over powered me, the powerful grandson of the mightiest warrior to ever live.

As if the prize was not generous enough, but the boy on her arm encouraging her antics is none other than the traitor FN 2187. Perhaps my not leaving was willed by the force.

I feel no fear or anxiety in his mind. A mist settles on his thoughts, sluggishly he sends signals to his hands to move and lungs to breathe. Her mind however is like a swamp. Thick bright fog surrounds every morsel of information in her head. Foolish girl.

They stumble to a table in the far corner of the small hut but their laughter carries disturbing the somewhat serene hum of conversation that existed before their unwelcome arrival. Oh how I loathe laughter.

I decide to wait. No helmet nor cloak mean I can conceal myself in plain sight. Allowing me to kill him and extract her without causing too much of a ruckus.

Twenty minutes later my scheming is interrupted by the low rumble of an incredibly powerful force user ordering even more substance to fuel the fogs of her mind. Rey. The sheer power within her creates a shift in the force around the room. It is easy to imagine the tiny particles of energy around her vibrating at such a higher frequency than mere humans. If she wasn't a traitor and rebel scum I would call her beautiful.

"You should not drink so much. Probably best you are not flying that heap of scrap metal you call a ship again this evening." I turn away before making eye contact with her. Her current state makes her easy to read. Nothing but hilarity and confusion.

"I-what? How dare you that's not ha it's not even MY ship but she's nice I keep her...keep her..." her words are slurred and blurted through giggles and hiccups . She stops when she see's the helmet. A distinctive mask not many would forget.

"Ben Solo" her breath hitches in her lungs and she reaches for her waist. The absence of her light saber distresses her further. In a swift movement I grab her back from her attempted sprint and cover her mouth. Half carrying half dragging her outside the incompetent fool FN 2187 rushes to her aid. Stumbling and shouting he only succeeds in making a bigger fool of himself. I didn't know that was possible. My infinite knowledge and yet some things still surprise me.

He follows us out the back of the outpost and proceeds to jump upon my back in an attempt to rescue Rey.

"LET HER GO STOP YOU STOP GET OFF HER-" I crouch down to why he lies sprawled on the dirty ground after falling from my back.

"You will go back inside and continue to drink. You will forget I took Rey. You will say nothing."

His mind is weak and easy to compel. He leaves without issue. I release Rey who stumbles and turns to me. She manages to snarl out a few curses and insults before settling herself on the ground. Her mind spins. I can sense her trying to lift the fog with the force without much luck.

"Why didn't you just kill him Ben. He's just Finn. What does he mean to you what huh? killed..killed your own dad." she stops and closes her eyes. Either a spontaneous moment of silence for my fallen father or she is trying not to vomit.

"Killed Han Solo, but can't kill one little, one little little person"

I stare at this Jedi prodigy. Her hair unkempt and missing a shoe she is a perfect example of why rebels will never win. They are weak.

"Are you going to vomit? Only I would prefer you do it here rather than inside my ship."

She glares up at me and tries to get up. She fails. The usual.

"I am NOT getting in that ship of yours...you hear? How dare you even _breathe_. How dare you stand there and talk to me after all I have done. Your own mother despises you Ben, we mourned Han and we mourned all our pilots, our friends. We mourned Poe. You do nothing but kill."

"Are you just about done?" I smirk as she grimaces at my nonchalant attitude. I learned from the best after all.

She manages to stand and begins a brisk walk toward a small table of traders. She steals a dice from their table. This causes a great disturbance to their game, angering a reptilian creature who produces a sleek black blaster. Before he can take another breath my helmet is on and light saber out. Its menacing crackle slices through the air and the reptilian head disappears from sight. The table falls silent. Rey sighs loudly and walks away grumbling about my lack of table manners. Her drunken state, as infuriating as it is, seems to be proving rather entertaining.

"where do you think you are going?" I whisper knowing my words will reach her. Her thoughts become enraged. Apparently she wasn't planning on going far. Again she settles on the ground. Such a child.

"Here. You gamble? Ok well I don't really care so here is how we do this" she pauses to thump her chest and let out a loud belch. I sneer at her uncivilised behaviour. She snaps back with a remark about my murderous tendencies in her head but fails to put her words into a coherent sentence.

"So we are playing for the stones. You get as many wishes as you get stones but you have to roll for them you see" the game resembles something I have seen others partake in. Clearly the drink has made explaining this game far too complex for her little mind.

"Stand up Rey we are leaving. My speeder is on the far side of the outpost. I am taking you to Snoke who will hopefully condemn you to death. Do not resist as I am far your physical and mental superior-"

"STOP TALKING PLEASE NOW THANK YOU" She holds up a hand to support her demand. "Now sit, or I will myself to die right now so you do not get the satisfaction of killing me." She waits till I sit then scrunches up her face, "Take off the mask. Please"

I remain firm and leave the mask on. She glares and sighs and plots how she will steal it and mount it upon her wall of bury it in memoriam of the galaxy's lost sanity etc.

A good ten minutes passes of her struggling to play her own game. After twenty she gives up, holding her one stone tight looking very put out.

"Now i have played your nonsense game. We will now go to supreme-"

"no no no, Ben it is not over yet."

"If you dare utter that name again to me I will ensure you meet a slow and painful end right here right now you filthy stupid dessert dweller. You are a fool. So much potential and here you are drunk and disorientated in the middle of no where with no hope of escaping this time. No one will even notice your absence Rey." I spit my words at her. The anger gurgles in my chest like a wild thing clawing it's way up my throat.

"No. Need." She closes her eyes again and sways. Exhaustion seeps into the foggy swamp of her brain. If she passes out if will be easier to transport her to the ship but this area is host to many rebel sympathisers. Avoiding attention is key is remaining incognito. The initial mission will be ruined if the locals were to suspect anything.

"So you get four wishes, and I get one." She scowls as I scoop the small stones from the ground.

"You realise how pointless this all is?"

"I don't think it is, see" she stops to rub her face and yawn. Hopefully she will pass out soon. Her incessant nattering is somewhat irksome.

"See you could've killed Finn. Taken me easily."

"Easier said than done you are surprisingly hard to subdue when drunk-"

"Killed everyone in the outpost. Its almost completely dark now no one will come. So why not?"

"I am executing a carefully thought out-"

"Why is the leader of the first order-"

"I am not the leader, supreme lead-"

"sat on the ground playing stones with his greatest enemy?"

"Do not flatter yourself you are not my greatest enemy you are nothing but a-"

she continually interrupts me with her rambling. I feel the weight of my saber on my side, begging me to silence her eternally.

"I think I know." She stares right into my eyes. Although masked it feels intrusive; intimate almost.

"You don't wish to hurt me Ben Solo."

I ready a quick reply to shoot down the incredulous notion that i have any concern for her well being whatsoever. I want nothing more than to crush the light out of her, to stamp out the abhorrent goodness that makes her so insufferable.

Before I can she begins to speak again.

"Your four wishes?" she smirks knowing she is under my skin.

"Stand, girl. You will be taken to Snoke and he will asses what is to be done with you now you are once again at my disposal."

"Of course. But first you have to get drunk."

"what" I splutter. This girl this _child_ is suggesting I willingly lower my inhibitions and become as intoxicated as she.

"Kylo Ren you will accompany me back to the bar where you will not stop drinking until you cannot walk straight."

I scoff at her attempt to force control me into doing her bidding. A stupid, reckless and feeble minded inconvenience. I loathe and despise the very air she breathes and the very ground she walks upon.

And I am somehow drunk.

Stupid. In my anger, my shields were lowered. My arrogance. My belief in her act. Of course she overcame the drunken haze.

She tricked me into thinking she was still compromised in order to compromise me. A genius move. Of course she did. It is Rey after all. Luke has trained her well, better than he did me. But I can still win this. Once aboard my ship she will be un able to leave and when my men return they will transport her to Snoke. I can do this.

"Hey there big guy, looks like you've had a bit too much how about something a little less potent now?" the woman behind the bar heaves her large chest at me as if she were an offering. A piece of meat for me to conquer.

"Oh this one is far from done. Aren't you Ben?" The familiar rumble of the force that surrounds Rey is comforting. She is still here. That will make it easier to capture her. Yes. How did I even get here?

"You may have succeeded in getting me slightly intoxicated but I assure you that I am still in full control of my powers and you would be wise to abide by my orders. Back to my ship, to Snoke." I speak slowly to insure my words do not jumble. The she does something positively torturous.

Ray Smiles.

Her lips stretch over her slightly crooked smile. I let my gaze slide over her childlike dimples, her soft brown hair hastily pulled back from her face. She is very skinny, her ribs could be easily counted through her translucent skin. The dusting of freckles across her nose and the way her calloused hands rest on her hips. She is a master seductress and she does not even try.

Without thinking, I reach out to her loosening the knot that holds her hair from her face. Slowly running my hands through it I meet her light hazel green eyes with my own dark ones. She breathes in short nervous breaths and tries to control her emotions. Anxiety, disgust...want.

"Oh Rey." I smile down at her allowing myself to curl around her small stature. I rest threateningly close to her face, staring her down like a wild animal being hunted by a ferocious predator. "Do not think for a second that because I am not sober, i am any less of a danger to you."

I allow my instincts to take over, snaking one hand around her waist and gripping her jaw with the other.

"I am infatuated with you Rey, yes. But of course that does not mean I would hesitate to inflict pain on you so unbearable you will beg for me. You will beg and plead Rey. You will weep. I will not be kind with you."

She trembles in my grasp. The entire world ceases to exist. It is just she and I.

With that i crash my lips down upon hers and let the liquor fuel my lust for her. Perhaps intoxication has it's virtue.


	2. Fight or Flight

Ok...so chapter two.

 _"Cause I'm a man, woman. Don't always think before I do_

 _Cause I'm a man, woman. That's the only answer I've got for you" - Tame Impala_

His lips are softer than I expected. Full and tender but cold. His passion in the moment lowers his defences enough for me to throw him off me with the force, but not much further than a foot or too. Fighting my way through all the Jakku Fire shots and the entire contents of the secret stash Han kept on the falcon have drained me to a point where I can almost hear my muscles begging me just to rest. He smirks at me and sits on the bar stool behind him.

"Have I misread you Rey, little scavenger girl? Here was me thinking that it was lust rolling off you..." His voice is low and taunting a stark change from his usual stark and sharp tone. Gone is the somewhat awkward but terrifying boy who killed his father on Starkiller, who almost begged me to let him teach me the force. Now a man rests before me. Huge and dark and seductively powerful. His lips are even fuller after the kiss and his eyes are lit up with excitement.

I cannot deny the attraction, but neither will I ignore my disgust.

"You are a monster Kylo Ren. Never touch me again or I swear I will-"

"You will what?" He does not wait for me to finish my threat. Taking a step closer he delicately tucks my hair behind my left ear, his hand brushing against my cheeks ignites fireworks which dance across my skin.

"Are you going to hurt me Rey? Please; I beg you to inflict your perfect agony on me. I would take one thousand lashes of your stolen light saber over the attraction I feel to you. Destroy me Jedi." He smiles at his words like a maniac. Cold fear and dread intwine with the butterflies in my stomach from him standing so close. I cannot think like this. This man killed his own father. His kind, funny and brave father.

This man is the reason the best rebel pilot is lost to us forever in some first order disposal unit, or worse, instead of roaming the galaxy. This man is the reason Finn will never be whole again.

"Finn." I sigh with relief as my ever tardy best friend catches Kylo Ren off-guard with borrowed blaster to the back.

"That was only stun Rey 'cause I have no idea how to work this thing. Oh yeah-" Finn turns and hands the blaster back to a very scared and confused looking veteran trader.

"We need to leave. Now. Help me get him and we can take him to the resistance or drop him off on some asteroid to die nice and slow."

Finn glares at the fallen man with a hatred I have never seen in him before. We attempt to carry Ren out to the Falcon but only reach the door of the outpost tavern before Ren's weight becomes too much. With the little remaining strength I have left I force lift Ren and float him along beside us. After many stops and the eventual allowing of most of his body to drag along the dusty ground surrounding the outpost we reach our ship.

Once inside I dump the dead weight on the floor and go straight to the cockpit. Carefully and quietly firing up the ship I fly us off planet. Grunts and thumps echo round the Millennium Falcon as a fallen storm trouper beats the ships owner's son with the anger of his lost lover.

"Hey Finn, why don't you come up here and help me fly this thing we have to get on a hyperspace channel as soon as possible and get far away from this system or they'll find us. His knights might have some connection with him we don't know ok so we need to get moving. Finn. Finn come on that is not helping." I plead with him until the noises stop.

"Are you even ok to fly this thing? You need to sleep Rey."

I glance up at Finn but quickly look back at the console.

"I'm fine. Once we are in hyperspace the ship can fly itself really. It's not rocket science." I chuckle and Finn smirks. The sad far off look has invaded his eyes again. That exact look was what spurred our drinking session in the first place. "Finn-" I start.

"Rey he controlled me. He went into my mind and made me forget you were in trouble. Rey am I really _that_ weak? So weak I forget you?"

"No Finn, come on. He is just _that_ strong and you were just _that_ drunk!" Finn manages a laugh and sits in the co-pilots seat.

"So what do you need me to do?"

"Keep me company." I laugh and he does too. We end up in a fit of giggles growing more violent every time we catch each others eye. I don't even notice our prisoner waking. Nor do I feel him approaching.

"So Sorry to interrupt." He hisses before grabbing Finn and beginning to beat him about the face. I yell and try to protect Finn with the force while still flying the Falcon. They grab at each other and Finn is clearly no match for the brute strength of his advisory. Why Ren resorts to this crude first fight rather than force use I don't know but have little time to ponder the thought as they tumble out of the cockpit and various crashes sound from wherever they have recommenced their duel. Blinking lights litter the console as clearly in the struggle something has been disrupted. The ship stutters and rumbles in it's flight. I quickly let my hands dance across all of the controls testing for where the problem has occurred trying desperately to steady the ship so I can go to Finns aid.

"REY!" Finn cries out and I know the fight has intensified. From my position in the front of the ship I can still feel the ripple in the force of Ren's shaky and crackling light saber. His anger is so raw and violent it fills my own mind and I quickly prepare the ship for landing on the nearest planet.

Harriscon is close and known to be almost deserted. The small misty planet is lush and rain batters the ship from the heavy clouds above. Dark green grass covers the surface and the sound of an ocean is distant but soothing. Easy to forget my friend is being beaten senseless in the back of the ship. Shit.

 _Ren_

I thrust my thoughts into the murderous man's head. His emotion has made him an easier target. I cannot control his actions or still him from his violent intent but I can communicate as I land the ship. I can also feel him raise the saber over a fallen Finn.

 _Ren stop. Please leave him. He is not the one you wish to fight._

He does not answer me but neither does he slay Finn where he lies. I try to will Finn to stay down but don't need the force to tell the metal wrench in his hand is not for repairing a leak in the hydroflux pipes below him.

A loud thud echoes and a roar from Ren who was distracted in trying to shield his mind from my probing.

 _Ben Solo you will not murder Finn. Have you not done enough killing? Is this really necessary to your plan? Will I not be easier to subdue without the grief of his death fuelling my power?_

 _Get out of my head Rey you won't like what you find._

And he's right. A mere glimpse and all I see is death. But there's more than he thinks as the slivery confusion and fear clouds his true intention. Mist of alcohol and dark clouds of rage protect most of his thoughts but one. Me. A blurry image of a very, very _naked_ me.

I quickly power down the control module and sprint to where Kylo Ren stands over Finn, a dark gash on his right temple from the wrench. Finn is covered in blood and quivering. I can sense Ren in his mind torturing Finn in the sickest way. Images of Poe and Finn surface and Finn screams with rage and grief.

Kylo Ren laughs, mechanically his face barely moving. He is evidently disturbed by the loss of his mask and hopes to remain expressionless still even without it. An unreadable robot. That, for sure, he is not.

"Really? Not only are you traitorous rebel scum, but _homosexual?"_ he sneers the word like it is something disgusting and rotten on the foot of his shoe.

"Well I can assure you your beloved is not dead. Although, he probably wishes he was. Being tortured for information is one thing but that's not why we do it. No Poe, well we just hurt him because it's entertaining."

"You Bastard." I let the words slip out in a scarce whisper before summoning all the force that surrounds me and throwing Ren against the side of the ship. His head collides with a steel beam and knocks him clean out. I hope he has brain damage.

I go to Finn and quickly move him to the makeshift medical bay in the bunkers at the back of the ship and try to attend to his wounds. But there's not much i can do. With little knowledge on force healing and almost none on actual first aid I simply set up a drip of morphine and bandage what I can. A large gash on his leg that has been cauterised already clearly needs something done to it. I pick up the burn ointment but quickly put it back. I'm no doctor but I don't think burn cream is qualified to heal a light saber wound.

I reach into his mind and feel him and his lucid drug induced dreams. I calm his thoughts, he quietens. I know he is at serious risk of infection and fever but there's not much I can do.

I close the door behind me and head toward the cockpit. If I can sort out the auxiliary engine stabilisers the ship should fly smoothly again. Hopefully.

That or I enter light speed and the entire ship explodes. Fingers crossed.

I stop as a cold presence sends chills up my spine. "You're awake."

"Did you wish me dead Rey?" His voice is hushed, and he stumbles toward me with a heavy step. A mixture of concussion and too much drink has left him a complete mess.

"Yes, as a matter of fact I did." I hold back a nervous sob and I turn to face him. He has stripped himself of his outer robe and now stands in only his black trousers and a long sleeved black undershirt. His muscles bulge against the shirt and if he wasn't a disgusting excuse for life I might call him mildly attractive.

"Give me my saber Rey. One of us dies on this ship and I don't plan on beating you do death. It's crude."

"One of us? Bit unsure of ourselves are we?" I taunt him as we glare each other down. I feel strangely exposed standing before him like this, my flight jacket lost somewhere in the dustlands of Eriadu. "Well I don't plan on it being me."

I turn away from him and walk toward the cockpit. I stashed his irregular saber in a compartment of the console and don't plan on letting him get his hands on it.

"Why are you following me Ren you are incapable of flying a ship and will be no use to me up here. Go away I'm busy." I wave my hand in a gesture to shoo him off. He does not comply.

"You think you can trick me so easily scavenger. You are wrong." he catches me sooner than I am ready for the fight and swings me round by the waist so I crash into empty supple boxes piles in the living area of the Falcon. He strides into the cockpit and uses the force to find his treasure weapon.

Kylo Ren stalks out of the module, saber in hand, and glares down at me.

"Put that thing down you're drunk. You might hurt yourself." I scramble to my feet but he still towers over me.

"It's not myself I plan to hurt Rey." He speaks softly and coldly as he unleashes the untamed red mess of energy. The air crackles with heat and I force summon Luke's saber to my hand. A gift he had said, until I made my own. "You'll need this someday" He had said. Maybe he foresaw the events that unfold before my eyes. Maybe...

"Your mother misses you Ben. She will always forgive you, she will always want you home with her."

He scoffs and brings his saber down of me. I block his advance and we engage. The room is filled with the clash of red and blue energy as we twist and lunge at each other both avoiding losing limbs and both trying to remove them. His technique is ragged and filled with emotion while I hold myself to all of luke's teaching. A strong wall of offence while defending my footing and never retreating. He continually goes for the killer shot while I poke little holes in his cover. As we fight I find his weaknesses and abuse them getting a stab in his right arm. And harder and I could've got his hand off.

This angers him further and he screams with rage charging toward me pure hatred in his eyes. I deflect his attack easily and push him back until he trips over scattered bottles from Finn and I's raid on the stash of Coruscant whisky what seems now to be years ago.

I approach him quickly kicking the saber from his grip and holding him in place with my own held tantalisingly close to his throat. I glare down at him.

 _Do it_

A dark little voice whispers in my head, seducing me, twitching my wrist making me ache for the kill. I know the voice is not my own nor his in my head.

 _Kill the killer Rey, be a hero. All will bow to you once you conquer the traitor son of the General, murderer of a man who showed you nothing but kindness._

 _Kill him and you will be immortal. A glorious hero._

"No," I whisper. Ren stares up at me, confusion fear and...something else in his eyes. Is it happiness? No, relief. He faces death and feels only relief at the loss of his existence.

I quickly throw my saber from my shaking hand and back away from the dark creature I wish to ruthlessly murder. I will not sink to his level. I will not steal a life that is not mine to take.

"It is yours Ray. I have taken everything from you." He stands and breathes heavily as he grips his arm were I singed his flesh. "You deserve to be the one to kill me. So do it. Murder me Ray. Do it, I beg you kill me and feel _nothing._ _Let the dark side in Ray."_ He penetrates my mind with his dark words, but leaves his own open to attack. He truly wishes to die.

"I can't. I can't kill you Ben."

" _Do not call me by that name you stupid, foolish child-"_ I let my anger fuel my power, a dangerous move so intwined with the ways of the dark side yet it feels free. I grab his throat with one hand and push him down onto the now toppled pile of empty supply crates. Even at this height I am only slightly taller than him but I feel larger. Power burns in my veins and fills my head with dark imaginings of how I can make his death as painful as possible. _For poe_ , I think, _For poe and Han and every unarmed civilian this monster has killed._ But these are not my thoughts.

This is not the path I choose.

He invades my mind while I struggle to hold onto the light and gasps and splutters as I tighten my grip around his throat.

 _Let me fuck you Rey._

"What," I slowly inhale his scent. A cold but inviting smell of coins and trees fills my senses as well as the dark thoughts that whisper sweet nothings in my ear. He would be better off dead. I would be doing him a _kindness_ if I killed him. I could so easily snap his pale neck, squeeze the very life out of him, summon my light saber and destroy his every cell, I could let him ruin me and let his darkness fill me with pleasures I have only dreamt of.

"That-no. What are you _doing_ to me" I hold to my resolve. My hand is looser around his throat but I inch closer to his muscular form, it is then when I feel his lust, his sheer need for me to allow him upon myself. How can we do this? Betray everything we have both been trained to do. He should despise me, he should want me dead so badly it almost kills him instead and I... well I should be nothing but serene. Yet here I am, craving his bare touch and raw emotion as much as he desires mine.

"I don't...I have never..." I stumble on my words and search his mind for memories of an act I have long feared and narrowly avoided many times when lustful old traders and travellers spied me in the plains of Jakku. I find little in his foggy mess of a mind. He is still very much intoxicated.

"That doesn't matter to me Rey. Nothing does" His hands pull my waist closer and one covers my grip around his throat. "Like I said on Star Killer...you need a teacher."

With that he pulls me so close I can't breathe nor think and presses his lips on mine. It is not the brazen attack like it was in the outpost tavern but a softer touch. The closeness, the intimacy becomes so much I pull away.

"Please, Rey" His words are a whimper. A pathetic pleading for my warmth on his cold skin.

 _Let me have you little scanvenger_

And I allow him. How can I deny this broken man anything in the world. In this moment he is not the murderer or monster of Kylo Ren but the scared child Ben Solo who longs for the comfort of another. And I am not the strong Jedi in training who could end his life with the force of my hand but the terrified little girl on Jakku who runs from friendship and trembles when the creatures who look so alien to her even pass her by. We are fearful children in a desperate attempt to feel something in the age old way of scared children.

I will allow Kylo Ren to steal my first experience of this touch, only because I know it is Ben Solo who will be the one to join me in it.

 _Ok, ben._

So there it is... yes I am leaving it here because it's 2am and my hands are cold. Next chapter will be very fun I think, sadly very little plot if you follow... ;) Please review and give me some helpful tips cause i am relatively new at this and very new to writing this sort of thing...help meh...but yes! thank you for reading!

Also apologies, typing this straight into the copynpaste bit because my office word has decided to die and i have no spell check or anything of that sort, atrocious spelling and any mistakes I have tried to avoid but...sorry anyway


	3. Hold Me Tighter

*Breathes deeply* And here we are.

The ultimate lemons.

So bear with me, if this is awful and artificial and weak please tell me and I'll try again. Also tips pls always handy hints for later editing to this chapter which will definitely happen.

Let the lemons commence.

*****THIS IS A WARNING READ NO FURTHER IF SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IS NOT YOUR THING IT MIGHT JUST GET GRAPHIC WARNING OVER****

* * *

 _When we collide we come together, if we don't we'll always be apart_

 _I'll take a bruise I know you're worth it, when you hit me hit me hard_

\- Biffy Clyro

* * *

This kiss. His kiss. It's more than I have ever felt in my life. Soft, so full of want. An infernal need to have him around me crushing the air out of me. I want him to touch me hard, leave delicate bruises so I remember exactly where his large rough hands held on for dear life. But now we only kiss.

"here?" He breathes his words, his breath too is cold but fresh on my clammy skin. I shake my head but struggle to form the words I need. His face is so strangely proportioned, a large nose dominates his features but is balanced out by full, dark lips and a mess of soft black waves on his head.

"There's an emergency compartment off the gunner capsule. It's big enough...it's meant for supplies but we emptied it. The view was too good to lose to boxes. There's no bed."

"We don't need one."

I lead him round the ship. We walk slowly and silently in single file to the narrow ladder down to the little pod and through a small door. i imagine the sight of his massive frame trying to squeeze through this door would be something of some hilarity but I dare not turn. I know he does not stalk me for a fight. I am in no danger but it _feels_ dangerous. His presence is so dark and consuming I can barely breathe with him following so close behind. I feel like an animal being hunted. The excitement and need has worn off to an extent and now dread for what is about to occur fills me. How can I be doing this. Finn could be dying above us and I am allowing this monster to invade me, steal away what should be a sacred moment shared between lovers. Kylo Ren is not my lover.

A loss of faith in my choices I leave him staring out the window into the now clear evening sky. The planet is surrounded by stars so dense the sky is littered with little lights, no moon, but two suns racing each other to set first. Turning to leave him, to lock the door and tend to Finn I feel only his emotions. Anguish, remorse, loneliness. The blind lust of wanting a woman's touch to heal the wounds his dark abilities cannot. This is not my fault.

"Do not leave me Rey." He faces me from the window. His eyes are pools of dark sorrow begging for release.

"Will you kill me if I try to?"

"I think...killing you would be the only thing Snoke could ask of me that I could not do. I could hurt you Rey. I could torture you and watch you lose all whom you love. But I will not allow you to die. We aren't done yet." As silently as a breath he crosses the room and pulls me to him. I am immediately thrust against the wall and he eases his knee down between my thighs. I gasp and push at his chest trying to grab his hands away from my body. I do not want to feel this way. Master Luke is so right in his teachings, I must feel nothing for then and only then will I be free.

"Don't fight me you know you want this. Why deny yourself something that is yours to take. I am all your Rey... so abuse me." The seductive growl of his words purred into my ear alone is enough to make me tremble without his expert touch all over my now shivering body. I wear only my grey flight suit trousers and a thin brown soft cotton shirt. With him so close I am so exposed to his touch.

Slowly I melt into his kiss. Perhaps I am not the would-be Jedi I think of myself as, perhaps I am weak. His hands roam into my trouser making light work of my belt and untucking my shirt, removing it from my body by ripping it down it's seam. I liked that shirt.

All he knows is destruction.

His leg is rubbing rhythmically against my soft core. He moved his hands like wicked instruments of torture over my now bare chest without hesitation or concern for the agony he was inflicting on me. Too scared to move in fear of doing something wrong, I remain still and frozen in place. Suddenly his hips are grinding so hard against my stomach I am almost nauseated by the action. I know what the act entails. I am familiar with what hides below the belt of the male anatomy and I know I have to do something. Either stop this madness like I should, or embrace it. Embracing it seems far more likely as there is no stopping him now with his wild hands and powerful stare. He moves his lips to my neck as he rips off his own shirt. The feel of his cold skin on mine is soothing yet electric. So many times I have thought on how I would act and feel when the time came for me to carry out this... _deed._ I am not ready.

I am brought back to the present by him biting down hard on my neck. Despite what I know I should feel the pain is unwelcome. I cry out and feel tears tip over the edge of their confines and trickle down my face. He stops and shoves himself away from me. I quake as his chest heaves with anger.

"Why taunt me like this? Was this your plan, invite me down here then act like some sort of martyr while I hold you? I could have any woman I desire Rey. You are not _special_ to me, you are not some great _prize. You mean nothing to me do you understand?"_

I can't help it. The tears are spilling out at a steady pace now and a soft sob escapes my mouth. I am crying, an emotional mess before my mortal enemy.

I feel his anger before I see it. A quiet "No" escapes my lips as he punches into the wall opposite me. Smashing and beating scattered boxes and empty crates that litter the room he turns swiftly and has me in a force choke. I gag and wheeze searching for air that won't come. His hand jerks and I slam back against the wall. Relief fills me along with the much needed oxygen. I see him shake but pay little attention. Letting myself slide down the wall into a heap on the floor I allow the crying to commence. How did we get here. Why do we hurt ourselves so, when we should be attacking each other. I hug my knees hiding my face from his gaze. He shouldn't see me like this.

"Forgive me, Rey please forgive me." He reaches a hand out toward me but moves no closer. I peak out at the man I have broken, tears stain his cheeks too. The glisten in the starlight that fills the little room. And I know I will not hold out against him. I understand I am afraid because I truly feel for him. But he feels it too, and if I must suffer this way then so too must he.

"I thought you said I meant nothing to you Ben Solo. I am _worthless._ You said you would tortureme and murder my friends and feel _nothing."_ I stand and walk to him. I let my hand run through his disheveled dark hair and pull lightly so he looks up and faces me.

"Show me Ben. Go slow and show me."

"Please Ray. Please do not call me by that name. I know nothing of Ben Solo anymore. I am not him."

"Then find him. Be gentle with me Ben Solo."

I lower myself onto him. Our bare skin touching. We breathe as one being, connected by the force and our need for a distraction from the fear we live in. Is this truly how it should be? My legs rest on either side of his and I lean down to kiss him. Softly, but the fear is gone. He leans forward holding me against him as we rest against the cold metal floor. I lick my thumb and wipe the dried blood from his temple. He frowns at the intimate act that holds a weighty affection. He kisses me lightly and keeps his once wandering hands on my waist. He asks me with his eyes and I nod. He supports himself with one hand keeping his full weight off me and with the other he eases me out of my trousers. I lay beneath him in only a pair of light brown briefs, so naked to his touch.

We move together. Not like a machine, but a single being. He caresses my bare chest and I free him of his trousers. Then he moves. It's as if something new has come alive inside of him. All his walls come crashing down and I release mine with them. Images blurry and clear swarm my mind of a small brown haired boy terrified of the mask in the library until his uncle tells him the story of his grandfather. An even younger girl with chestnut eyes that glows so bright with the force I can't help but want to protect her, holds the little boy's hand as she leads him off on an adventure. A teenage Ben struggling with his emotions crashing the Millennium Falcon while trying to be as good a flier as his glorious ancestor. A much younger Han Solo screaming at Ben, for he has brought nothing but trouble.

I feel the lure of the darkness as the true essence of Ren's power surrounds me and chokes me with it's terrifyingly beautiful promises of control and desire. I see Master Luke, turning away from the young man. He has forsaken him. Ben was corrupted on a mission he was sent on by Luke. It's all his uncle's fault how can he leave him like this? How can he let Ben fall so far?

I am only pulled back when a strong hand strokes me tenderly right _there,_ in a place I dared not to explore in fear of what I might stumble upon. I cry out as he rubs a particularly tender spot. The pleasure is so intense I shy away from it.

We are a mess of limbs and groans and kisses. His passion and lust match my own but more fiercely. He knows what is coming and works toward it while I struggle to hold onto reality with so much of his mind to explore.

"Rey, Rey I'm going to... are you ready Rey?" He pants as he speaks trying to help me along and go slow while obviously struggling to hold himself back. I understand what he is asking but do not look. I close my eyes and try to comprehend what is about to happen. I cannot.

The pain that comes is more than I expected. The sensation of this foreign body filling me to my core is astounding but unbearable. I wonder if perhaps he is unnaturally large or perhaps I am not equipped for this type of thing. I cry out when he moves in me, slowly inching himself out then in again. The pressure inside my abdomen is so surreal and unlike anything I have ever felt.

"Rey I'm sorry I'm so sorry do you want me to stop?" He pleads with me to let him continue but his words say the opposite as his movements gather speed. He does this while slowly rotating his thumb around that tender area making my hips move of their own accord. I open my eyes and let the emotions flood into him. Our connection needs no words to communicate. He is beautiful in the dappled starlight and I gaze at him like a spiritual worshipping their God.

They way his mouth shapes my name, his hands all over me and his strong masculine scent fill my every crack. In this fragile moment we are both whole like we have never been before.

This is what it should be, but he will always be my enemy. The betrayal of this. My wicked actions will never allow me to hate him as I should. How can I when this bpy with such a beautiful mind makes tender love to me?

Love; what a despicable concept.

Then everything intensifies. He is moving himself in and out of me I am left breathless and I try to hold onto him as sensations build up so high I see stars, and not the ones which linger above us.

"I need you to hold me tighter Rey you're not going to hurt me." He laughs lightly at his own words. I understand his meaning though. If his weight and strong arms were not holding me so close I fear I would drift away into the abyss. I try and press myself even firmer against him, clutching at his back and crashing my lips on his letting force energy spark between us.

Warmth builds in the pitt of my stomach and I seem unable to move as everything comes to climax. He groans; a deeps rumble of noise so guttural it could come from some fierce beasts mouth. He holds me tighter squeezing the air out of my lungs and nuzzles his face into my shoulder. I struggle to breathe, gazing at the pattern the stars have left on the darkened room.

* * *

I do not know for how long we lie there, but it seems like hours before he moves. Inching himself off of me he leans back onto his heels. I take a second to marvel at his physique. So strong and defined but covered in scars. He has seen many horrors. I push myself off the floor and he meets me, planting a light kiss on my forehead and releasing me from underneath him. There are blankets in a box somewhere in here so I begin to search for them while he puts his black thigh length under-shorts on. The small room is not connected to any of the ships heaters and has grown cold around us. I locate the blankets and turn back to him.

I wrap us in the old slightly dusty coverings and huddle into his warmth. It may be my imagination, but the coldness that lingered on his skin before our intimacy has gone and now he radiates heat like he is his own sun. I feel him fall unconscious and try to follow him into sleep but my mind is so awake. What will we do now? I do not want to be with him but feel almost sick at the thought of losing him. The man who holds me is not Kylo Ren, I think to myself. This is Ben Solo. And i might just have fallen for him.

A daunting little thought slips into my head just before I fall asleep, making my heart skip a beat and stomach drop.

 _He came inside you_

* * *

 ** _\- forgive me lord for i have sinned that is the dirtiest thing i have ever written ever. agh._**

 ** _please review!_**


	4. The Man In My Head

I drift into consciousness, the world spinning around me. Nauseous and blinded by the bright light over head I try to pull myself to a more upright position but cannot. Something lies on top of me pinning me to the cold floor beneath me. Where am I? Two suns rise slowly in the sky, their position indicates I am still in the same Outer Rim territory as I was last night but not the same planet. If I could get a look properly at me surroundings I could determine exactly where I am but alas something has been placed on me to hold me captive. But by who? A cold breeze against my lower leg makes me realise I am all but naked under this flimsy cloth placed over me and...someone else. The weight is not something but...someone.  
I throw the body off me and jump to my feet immediately regretting the action as my stomach threatens to release its contents. I stagger back and lean on the window behind me. Focussing on its cold hard surface I steady myself and let the sickness become power, discomfort become energy. The rushing of a strong oceanic tide helps soothe my swirling thoughts into something I can comprehend.  
I am almost naked. And there is a naked woman awakening on the floor. We slept together. I was drunk last night and I found myself in female company.  
It is the first time something of this sort has happened to me. Not allowing myself ever to get drunk was a decision I made in my late teens after one horrendous night on Hoth in the abandoned resistance base. I blame Han Solo for that one, and his stashes of liquor hidden across the galaxy.  
For a brief moment I wonder if the woman is the same as she from the bar who so boldly tried to flirt with me but I soon realise it is not when I recognise her face as that of the foolish scavenger girl Rey. She stares at me with hurt in her eyes but her mind shielded heavily as she glares.  
"What was that for I was still sleeping?" She tries to laugh but soon realises I am not in the mood for such things. She brings the blanket quickly to her hand with the force and covers her naked body with it. Blurred memories tell me we did engage in intimacy, a great deal of it. That wretched whore.  
"You...you? We had...?" I struggle with my words more than I care too. Strange emotions are clouding my judgement. I need to know what planet we are on, I need to summon my knights.  
"We had sex last night, yes. But you were evidently more drunk than I thought you were. That is...unfortunate." She keeps her face frozen in a serene mask and disguises any emotion. Her intentions are clear to me as soon as she reaches the tiny door however which I slam shut with so hard the walls rattle.  
"You took advantage of me." I spit out my words as her. The awful girl has violated me in a way I thought she was above. A disgusting and humiliating act with a girl of equal measure. I wish for my lightsaber but know I cannot call it from here.  
"You what now?" The beast of a girl struggles to contain her laughter. Feigning innocence. That bitch.  
"You and your sordid seduction! YOU GOT ME DRUNK AND RAPED ME YOU FOUL CREATURE! I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS!" I let anger rule me as I scream at her. I know she is afraid despite her efforts to conceal all of her emotions, for some reason she still finds hilarity in the situation.  
"Ben...honey...it's not rape if you enjoy it." Her words snake out of her mouth and hiss in my mind as she smirks up at me in a cruel taunt. She is a fiendish revolting whore.  
"And from what I saw you were certainly enjoying it last night."  
I let her have her little quip, before my anger boils over and a rush of energy flies out toward her. The sight of her thrown against the wall resurfaces another memory. Blurry and almost illegible Ray is thrown against the wall but only in my need.  
I wanted her. I craved her touch and she would not allow me it. I disgusted her and myself and took my anger out on her. Is it not the same in the current moment?  
But then I begged her forgiveness, now I continue to hold her throat tightly so her hands grabs pathetically at the air around her neck. I will not allow my skin to touch hers. Her eyes roll back into her head as I steal her consciousness. Taking the opportunity to quickly dress I leave the little room, squeezing through the door and climbing the familiar rickety old ladder to the main ship. Even the smell of the falcon is the same.  
I stride to the cockpit and sit myself behind the console. I have flown this ship before and it ended disastrously.

She writhes beneath me, moaning and arching her back into my touch. I let my hands lightly dance across her tanned skin. She has scars very alike to my own and I savour them. We are imperfection together in this hapless moment. I let her in completely then, I want her to feel every emotion I have ever felt, every lie I have told, every evil deed I have carried out for the sake of the darkness that promises me approval. I feel her watch memories, she finds those I knew would interest her most. The little girl from Luke's academy that I fear is her, and the time I commandeered the Millennium Falcon in an attempt to impress my father only to have it thrown in my face when I crashed.  
"why do you always do this Ren?"  
"Ben."  
"Ren, Ben whatever. I told you to stay away from that ship. Any others you could've taken for your little test flight but no you chose that one."  
I had only wished to feel the speed, as he had described it felt. Being in charge of such power. I wanted to experience what he had experienced. I wanted to be more like him.  
"Why can't you just be a good kid?"

I shudder at the resurfacing memories. Why do they plague me so now? What has she done to me?  
I hear a clatter from down the hall. Finn. The villainous traitor who had the stupidity to beat me while I was not aware. I rise and head toward the noise with full intent to choke the life out of him. The loss of my lightsaber angers me greatly. The usual pull I feel toward it ks no faint it is almost nonexistent. Has she destroyed it?  
Before I reach him the ships alarms begin to wail and all the shutters slam sectioning me off in a small area of the ships curved outer passage. I can tell she has awakened and know she will try and either escape or fly the ship further away from Eriadu. Their plan is probably to either kill be or take me to the resistance. The latter would be foolish, the former would be unfortunate but more likely.  
There is no escape. Luke assisted with these emergency doors. They are strong enough to hold even when a strong force user such as myself attempts to open them. Each door has an individual code to unlock it. A nagging thought tells me I was instructed to memorise these codes.  
I never did.  
I can hear her, slowly opening and relocking the doors on the far side of the ship. She knows exactly where I am too. I haven't felt this trapped in years.  
It's because you're weak.  
The darkness clouds my thoughts as I lash out at the steel walls and stupid indestructible doors. Claustrophobia has always been a problem, both before when it was just him and still now when we still battle for supremacy. I killed Han Solo. That should've killed him too.  
I let my rage hold me as I slowly but surely punch my way through the door. I feel bones in my hand breaking and splatters of my blood soon cover the dents I make.  
I roar as I land a final kick that bursts the door from its sockets. The loud clatter echoes around the ship. She is close.  
I'm coming for you Ray.  
A strong link lets me force my thoughts into her head. I can use this, a force bond formed in only the most intimate acts could let me dismantle her from the inside.  
There's a tiny window in this part of the passage. Deep green grass covers the ground below the ship and the ocean can be seen in the distance. Harriscon.  
Come to your master. Retrieve him.  
I feel the different emotions of each of my knights as they follow my thought to this remote little planet. They aren't close but will come with speed if they know what's good for them.  
A perfect bounty. The traitor FN 2187 and the scavenger girl who evaded my capture once and will not again.  
Don't be so sure  
Her voice is lighter in my head, without the blemish of her natural growl. Evidently I will have to work on making this link one way.  
It is when she speaks he awakens. Stirring in my chest with his confusion and need. Infecting me with his dark fantasies I struggle to control my actions. My head slams against the hard metal wall, over and over. He knows how to make me weak.  
"Go slow. Teach me." She had said.  
Holding my passion was almost impossible with her soft moans and sweet skin. I want to slam into her, ride out her pain with her and hold her so tight neither of us can breathe. I grind my knee up and down the floor letting the friction burn the skin there. Pain, it will always be my anchor.  
Her breath on my neck. The fierce cold and burning heat clashing of skin. My darkness and her light a beautiful kaleidoscope of colour.  
"Leave me," I growl knowing I speak to no one but myself. But I can feel him. Alike to when she invaded my mind in Starkiller the lost boy who will never learn is a constant pressure in my head.  
I sit there. The curved walls are uncomfortable and shudder when a door opens somewhere on the ship. The turmoil inside me makes healing my hand impossible but I relish in the agony. Something he and I share. Pain will always be power.  
I feel her nearing me. Slowly working her way through the doors on my side of the ship. She carries her lightsaber with her. Perhaps now I truly face my execution. Fear of death is something I lost long ago, there are much worse horrors than the other side.  
The last door between us remains closed. I feel her standing there, gathering her emotions and hiding herself. She will not kill me. Not when I have such a hold on her.  
It is not Kylo Ren she has mercy for  
I scoff.  
It is not love nor compassion of mercy, as you would say. She pities you. For you are a pathetic fool.  
He does not retreat but bunches my swollen hand into a right fist. I breathe out heavily trying to harness the pain he causes me. It has always been this, torturing one another for the agony we cause each other through simply existing.  
"The knight's of Ren are coming here. They are already on their way." The words rush out of my mouth before I can reign in the inner turmoil.  
The door opens and she stands with her lightsaber raised.  
"Why tell me? Now I know to leave." Her mind is a blank wall, relinquishing no emotion or thought.  
I look away from her as more memories from our evening swim before my eyes. I know what I feel for her is not me, but the child who clings to the light side as if its his dying breath. If only.  
"They will follow us, if we take you with us. You can tell them wherever we go." She states the words, realising this is where we part.  
"I suppose this is your stop then Ben."

"Don't use that name you filthy, scavenger whore. You are worthless-"

"Right yes I get it. Stand up."  
She leads me through the passage to an emergency hatch. Opening it she gestures for me to climb out, her lightsaber so close to my skin I feel it's heat through my shirt.

I step out onto the wet grass. A sheer cliff face lies metres ahead. The drop would kill any normal person but throwing myself from it would cause me nothing but injury.

"Enjoy your stay Kylo Ren. Lets hope your men come quickly, it gets pretty cold here at night."

"How nice you care for me so, Rey, truly touching." I let my meaning sink in and her blank face hardens into something darker. She backs away, never turning away from me. The doors seals shut behind her.  
Its almost twenty minutes before the ship takes off. Its lights illuminating the misty atmosphere of this little blue dome. I feel the link between our minds stretch. She fights me off as I try to invade, see her flight path. Instead she feeds me a memory.  
I almost gag when the image of my face, glistening with perspiration. I am smiling down at my viewpoint.

She leaves the system. But her little ball of energy in the mess of the force is so distinct to me now. I know she feels me too


	5. Bloodsport

**Author's note:** Are you enjoying this? I'm not currently dedicating a lot of time to this fic, a couple of hours over the last few days at most. I'd really like to get some more feedback from this, any ideas or simply inspiration to keep writing. I think this chapter will be relatively short. Perhaps I'll return to the earlier chapters and do some serious editing.

 **Also:** Bloodsport is definitely the song of this fic, so far anyway. I am a little in love with it.

* * *

And though you hate me when you have a turn  
I drive you crazy but you always return

\- Raleigh Ritchie

* * *

 _The wind whips around my ankles, icy and harsh against my bare skin. The air is cold but muggy and thick fog hides the horizon from view. A strange planet indeed._

 _I stand facing out over the cliff face onto the sandy little cove below. The tide is high and the wind brings strong waves onto the shore, but they make little sound. Behind me the blurry couple continue to kiss and hold each other tight on their small blanket. Both huddle into each other, breathing in the other's air like addicts to their lover's scent. They come into focus and I gasp as I see my own hands caress the man's neck. Looking closer I know who the man is but dare not even think his name._

 _But there is no anger in his eyes. No hard steely gaze that calls out for my blood but a softer longing for the girl, me, to be even closer to him. The other me moans into his mouth and they intensify their touches shedding clothes in a tangle of limbs. This is not Kylo Ren the monster, the beast who murders villages full of unarmed people, the man who tries to steal her from her cause and direct her light to the darkness._ My _light._

 _I can almost feel him on me again. The ghost of where his hands had been on my body makes me long to be the girl I see. I watch them crush each other with passion and need for skin and warmth. I identify with his pleads for her to hold him tighter, my own loneliness weeping softly for him to return to me and ignite my very soul the way he once did._

 _I betray myself when I feel like this. I know he is far away, gone for all I sense. Kylo Ren has done a marvellous job of shielding himself from my attempts at penetrating his mind and finding the man I made love too. He shuts me out but pushes back into my own mind. I am always so tired. Even in sleep I am fighting off his advances._

 _But this is different. I do not dream of that night in fear for calling out to him. Nowadays if I even think of Ren there he appears, the familiar pressure on my mind as he taunts me with my own emotions. He tortures me endlessly. And I suspect this is another method he has found of violating my life._

 _As if on cue a dark figure makes it's way out of the thick fog. His devilish smirk and cocky manner make my stomach churn._

 _I need to be stronger. I need to beat him this time._

 _I try launching myself off the planet like a rocket being propelled from it's hold. It's as if his mind itself grabs my legs and pulls me back to him. He presses himself hard against my smaller form, menacing and cold are his dark eyes when he smiles at me. It's a wicked twist on the smile Ben gave me after...after it._

 _"Come on Rey...we're the same person really. If you'll fuck him you'll fuck me."_

 _"You're only the same when it suits you. What would Snoke say if he knew you were devoting so much of you time to annoying me?"_

 _"Oh I don't think Snoke would mind at all...as long as he gets to watch afterwards."_

 _I feel sick when he says this. He sniggers at my expression and again presses himself against me. I shove and struggle but find I have nothing in the way of the force here. I am in his mind, he controls everything. He lowers his face so his cold breath sends shivers over my own._

 _"Come on... who cares really Rey? Who would know?" His words are a dark hiss in my ear and he begins to try and squeeze his massive leg between mine to gain access to where I want him least._

 _"Why the FUCK are you fighting me? You were the one who threw herself all over me that night. Don't pretend you don't want this I know your thoughts, I know how you lust for me..." I continue to try and throw him off. The more I move the less he has a hold on me._

 _Suddenly he grabs my torso and twists me so I face the couple on the ground. Their soft loving has morphed into a frantic scene of sex. The other me screams and writhes like a common whore and what were once the careful hands of Ben Solo are now the evil claws of Kylo Ren. The entire act has become obscene and sickening. The Kylo behind me begins grinding his hard self into my back and trying to ease his wicked hands into my trousers. He sucks and nips at my neck and I almost wretch at the true sensation. How am I feeling all of this? Surely this is not truly happening. I left Harriscon weeks ago. I am safe in the private little bunker of the rebel base far from Kylo Ren. I searched our link before I allowed myself to rest, he felt so far he could've been on the other side of the galaxy._

 _His hand has found itself inside me. While the other gropes my breast and holds me to him, the hand is harsh on my sensitive folds. I twist and cry out when he inserts two long fingers. It burns as he thrusts his fingers in and out of me. When his thumb brushes the spot where I feel him most I shiver and know I need to escape this nightmare before it's too late. But it already is._

 _The pair on the ground are loud and violent with their thrusts and kisses while I am forced to watch and feel Kylo's hands violate my body. I feel myself becoming so close to the edge I flew over so many weeks ago and beg myself to stop. The force has abandoned me here._

 _He finds a strong grip on my throat when I finally come. The feeling of him softly choking me as he harshly gropes my insides is utterly devastating. I let out a starved scream, pathetic and weary of his touch. I am then thrown to the ground, where I try to regain some sort of composure over myself. My legs shake and I can't find the air I need to calm myself._

 _I expect him to recommence the torture but nothing comes. I push off the ground and stagger to my feet to see Ben. It has to be Ben, because he too trembles and tears fall from his eyes in agony._

 _"Not this." He whispers the words, but not to me._

 _"Anything but this."_

 _I watch as his devastation turns to anger. Not the anger I know as Kylo Ren, who when aggravated will slash into something with defined and precise strokes of his lightsaber. He will wreck and kill and lash out, but he will not lose himself. I have seen enough in his mind to see that anger is fuel._

 _This is not that._

 _This is Ben, terrified and confused at what has become of him to lead to such a disgusting act. He begins to beat himself. Smashing his head hard against an invisible surface so hard he bleeds, This doesn't stop him. I back away from the carnage. The ferocity in this man is enough to kill himself and everything around himself._

 _It is when he screams out in agony I am thrown from the scene. The screaming follows me and echoes around my head. His walls are down and a wave of emotions so strong the are suffocating wash over my spinning head. Regret, hatred, anger and so, so much fear. Everything is darkness._

I'm still screaming when I wake


	6. Vader

**Authors' note:** So I was asked why I keep switching the narrative for this fic from Rey to Ren to Rey again etc so I though I'd put this out there for anyone wondering. I thought first person always has a more personal feel to it, you can delve deep into the characters thoughts without too much hassle, and Kylo Ren is so interesting I really wanted to get into his head. But then I felt Rey as a character was being really neglected as I found it hard to write her the way I wanted her to be but from Kylo's viewpoint.

So with that here's the next little slice.

I wake in the hospital wing of the star destroyer. Concussion, deep scratches a few broken bones but the worst is the sizzling gash on my thigh from my own lightsaber. I breathe deeply so the med workers know I am awake and scurry out of the room. Once they have gone I let out the groan I was holding back. The physical pain is bad but my head is much worse. This is the first time I've been almost completely without the darkness in weeks. Since...her. I shudder as I recall what I allowed him to do to her.

 _Allowed myself to do._

Ben Solo and Kylo Ren are not two different people shut inside one mind. They are simply names. Names for a man who cannot fight the light side nor can he fight the darkness.

What am I supposed to do with myself.

For now I settle for sitting upright and easing myself onto my feet. I cast aside the papery sheet they used to cover me. A necessary precaution after the last time he awoke and killed everyone in the room when they looked upon him naked.

 _Me. I did that._

I think of all the forgotten lessons Luke Skywalker forced on me. No emotions, none of this silly anger and unrest.

He had asked me more than once why I argued with myself so intensely. I had lied until finally screaming that it was the other me I was so angry with, not myself.

The other me is a good way to think of our situation.

 _A bad way to think of it is when Snoke finds out he will run through us like a fire. We will be lucky to survive this time._

The familiar battle has begun again.

But he leaves me. Still wounded from my attack last night he does no commandeer our vessel.

Rey. I can barely feel her at all now. She has slowly disintegrated over the last few weeks. I have watched as she alienates her friends, her new family, even her master. She has not returned to wherever he is since the week after we were together.

Her mind had become so much colder and he soon figured out why she was able to do so. He had not given her the opportunity to seek help again.

I find no clothing in the room and call on a droid to fetch my robes. When it returns I dress and go straight to my own ship in the hangar.

"Not so fast, Supreme Leader Snoke wishes to speak with you. Immediately." The rasp and croak of General Hux's voice tells me my master was not kind in his request of my audience.

I could easily disobey these orders. Master is far enough away not to be able to control my mind and no matter how many storm troupers rally to him, Hux will always be a blithering idiot and an easy kill.

"Tell my master I have much to meditate on and wish to speak with him at a later hour."

"I will not play messenger boy for you and Snoke simply to be abused for your folly. You will go to him now." Hux realises his mistake halfway through his words but I too late in readying his mind.

Over the years his own ability has grown in attempting to block mind tricks out. Alas the poor man has no where near enough power to even begin fighting off my attacks. Shame.

I don't even have to repeat my request to him. His mind is mine, a toy to meddle with. I have often pondered on just how much I could make him do without Snoke stopping me.

I board my ship. When not on a mission I only allow droids onto it, meaning for a quick get away whenever I need it. I programme a flight path and settle in the core of the ship. A dark circular room perfect for meditation. I sit.

Farseeing was never something I was good at, but my link with Rey makes it easier to seek her out. I find that soft blue green light quickly and carefully approach it. This is not an invasion of her mind, but an observation of wherever she is.

I let the scene unfold before me. Her and a recovered Finn sit on a couch in a room with stone walls. They speak quietly with one another while folding little paper decorations into chains. Her hands are delicate but struggle to recreate the precise and uniform moves of his. He laughs at her for this and tries to show her again.

"whatever happened to the whole 'I'm a Jedi master of peace and serenity thing' you're so tense!"

She just smiles at him and tries another little paper bow. She almost finishes before ripping one edge and slicing open her finger on the sharp edge of the paper. Blood further ruins the bow and she lets out an exasperated sigh throwing the little scrap of paper away from her.

"I think he's gone Finn. Either he died or the link has been broken but he's gone."

"Then why are you still so scared Rey? Is that not a good thing?"

"It is don't get me wrong, the quiet is nice." She paused to consider her words. " But its like something's missing now. Maybe I've gone mad, but I still feel him around me."

"Rey you don't...?"

"No no of course not he's an awful monster of a man. I don't feel anything for him."

"Rey, Finn..."

A familiar presence enters the room. I know her step, the inflection in her voice. Leia Organa.

"There's a stardestroyer nearing our system. We have shields up and I doubt they know we are here but it would be a wasted opportunity if we did not act. The plan right now is to swarm the ship and blow it up, while we transport the rest of the base to location 7. Some of our... _cargo..._ will be a lot safer there. Are you both fit to fly?"

They nod and all begin plotting their little attack on the first order. They could be talking about any destroyer out on surveillance. I leave them and return to a deeper meditation.

 _Grandfather..._

I call to him. Snoke always said if I was strong enough I could call across, to the other side where my only true family member resides.

Rumours of Darth Vader returning to his former self in death had always caused me worry. Luke himself spoke little of his father but always of how he had so much love for his wife and how that was his downfall.

He is right. While love fueled Anakin Skywalker's passion for the dark side it also caused him to allow his traitor son into his life which caused his ultimate demise.

 _Guide me Darth Vader...enable me to become the man I must be..._

I hear nothing in return.

 _Perhaps Darth Vader is not with the dark side_

Perhaps I should see to the villain behind all the noise in my head.

I reach Harriscon quickly. The site is exactly how it was in my visions last night. I feel very close to her here, but that is not something I should relish.

I meditate on the wet grass focussing on her essence. It lingers in the very fibres of my being. Her hold goes right to my core.

It takes hours. Slowly feeling her position in the stars, but I have her now. They have returned to the base on Hoth abandoned all this years ago. I shall gather my knights and our legions. There shall be no resistance strike on any stardestroyer under my watch.

.

"Rey?"

I snap out of my little trance and look at Finn. He is much more of a man now than he was when we first met. We have suddenly become adults and it is not a thing either of us enjoy.

"Rey are you going to tell the General about the...thhe situation?"

"How can I?" I feel my voice wobble. I have cried enough over what has happened. Too many nights have been spent weeping, crying myself to sleep to face more horrors from a man that I myself chose. I allowed him in. The monster, the tyrant the lost boy. The father of my child.


	7. Thistle

**Aunthor's Note:** People like this? Wow ok THANK YOU! Everyone who has followed and favourited this thank you so much! Feedback is so important in keeping a writer going, ' And you guys are being awesome! So at the moment I have no idea how I'm ending this... keep that in mind, stumbling through each chapter a bit.

* * *

 _Eyes rolled back, guess we were living fast  
Where did you go, yeah where did you go?  
Your eyes go to show, that it was so rare to see you sober  
And so the streetlights would carry us home_

 _\- Catfish and the Bottlemen_

* * *

 _He knows._

Of course he does. The bastard knows no limits in invading my thoughts, even after what he did. Or what he allowed. It's all so much more confusing now. Part of me knows Kylo Ren is but a name taken on by what was once Han Solo's son. But when they are with me, it feels like three people in his head. The evil darkness that commits such despicable crimes, the bright and terrified boy who knows what everyone expects of him but cannot live up to the standards of either side, and the man in the middle. He who glows purple and red and blue and pure gold when we lay together. The man who is a rainbow of colour, beautiful sunrises and stormy seas.

I am almost sympathetic for his struggle.

Almost.

The only thing I know for sure is I want no part of it. No matter how much I crave to be held by the only person I have ever felt true want for nothing is worth all this angst. Especially not now. I have no attachment to this child. If I could I would put the entire thing behind me and rid myself of this burden. I am no mother.

Alas there is no way to terminate it without General Organa finding out, not here anyway. Medics far off on other planets would have the thing safely gone from my body in minutes, for a high fee, but getting to them is dangerous. Everything in my life is danger. I am so tired.

I quickly dress and wash my face in icy cold water to try and lessen the look of sheer weariness that clings to me. Bluish circles hang beneath my eyes and bruises cover my neck and arms, and other places too. Apparently what happens within a dream of a force link does not fade in the true light of day. I turn the collar of my flight suit up. It does little to disguise the marks.

Walking briskly to the commanders meeting I see the General on her way in also.

"General Organa!" She hears me over the hum of the busy underground base and smiles my way.

"How many times Rey, call me Leia. You're early this morning, the meeting does not start for at least another half hour."

"Yes I was hoping to catch you before the meeting. We need to prepare ourselves for evasive action. The First Order know of our position, and our planned attack. They know, but if we leave now we can get far away enough to-"

She raises her hand and stops me.

"Rey I do not know why you think this, we have communications within the highest branch of the order. They have no knowledge of our plans. I promise you we are safe. What does worry me though is your certainty we are under siege. Is everything alright?"

"Yes, but General- Leia, I felt it..." I stop myself. Leia Organa cannot know of how I know that Kylo Ren is coming for us. "I had a dream. They came and they killed us all. But this was not just a dream it was real I swear it you must believe me Leia!"

Panic enters my voice, her thoughts are clear. I am a scared child to her, another of many. We are all going to die.

"Rey, sweetheart, I know all about force dreams. Trust me I know them, well enough that I can safely say a dream is always a dream until someone makes it real. If we evacuate now the stardestroyer we target will target us. It is too close and we are too many. Rey bringing down an entire first order ship like that could mean wonderful things for the resistance. It shows the Republic we are stronger than they think, that we are not a rag tag group of rebels. I will not jepordize this operation Rey, I'm sorry."

The general smiles at me. She is the perfect example of what a mother should be. Soft as a flower petal on the outside, warm and full of love, but fiercely loyal and ferocious within.

I sigh. There will be no way to make them listen to me. We will all perish in this cursed tunnel system, we will all perish in the icy breath of this forsaken planet. I hated Hoth since the moment we arrived, the deserted tunnels, old broken droids everywhere and everything reeks of death. I do not wish to die in this frozen wasteland.

 _I do not wish to die, period._

The thought sends chills down my spine. This is not the thought of a Jedi, but these days little I do follows the practices of a Jedi.

This needn't be the end for all of us. I rush through the now crowded expanse of tunnels to the mess hall where I know Finn will be. I wave to get his attention, and gesture for him to meet me outside. He shrugs, smiles and waves me over to him. His table is full of people, chatting and laughing with him. Everyone loves Finn here. I don't have time to save everyone, not if Leia won't help me.

" _Finn meet me outside. Now."_

I feel his fear when I force my words into his head. I have only ever done this before as a joke to wake him up or give him a fright. He knows this is different. I wait in the little sanctuary garden off the mess hall. Plants here are all from planets dotted around the galaxy, it's truly amazing how they thrive anywhere. Even here on Hoth where everything slowly gives in to the deadly cold.

"We need to leave." I speak as soon as he is in ear shot. "We need to take BB-8 and the Falcon and as many supplies as we can and we need to get off this planet. Today."

"Rey? What are you talking about?" Tears fill my eyes. I should not run, I should not let my friends die and run from the carnage that is all my doing. I should be brave, or at least brave enough to go alone and not corrupt Finn to my desperate schemes.

I turn and face him, the beautifully brave friend I have come to love as a brother. I wish more, I wish we felt so dearly for each other we couldn't breathe. I wish I was so madly in love with Finn that nothing else mattered. But he fell for Poe, and I for the idea of what our enemy could be, and we are both so broken by it. I explain it all to him. How Kylo found me, how he brings with him his knights and their specially trained Stormtroopers. How no one on Hoth will be left alive.

"Rey... if all that's true, the last thing we do is leave. We either evacuate with _everyone_ , or we stay and fight. This isn't you."

"Finn I tried but Leia won't listen! And she's right, if all the fleet left now the First Order would know and we would die anyway. This way we live. Finn we can escape this mess. Like you wanted to, remember?"

"That was a very long time ago. We both know things are different now, Poe wouldn't-"

"But _Poe isn't here is he Finn."_

The words hiss out of my mouth before I can check myself. How could I say that? Finn's right about everything. We should stay and fight...and I am not myself right now.

"Finn I'm sorry I didn't mean-"

"I think you've said enough Rey. You leave, I won't tell anyone. Good luck Rey, I hope you make it out of this 'mess', but don't come running back if you do."

I could say anything. I could beg his forgiveness, explain that Kylo's darkness has violated every particle of my being and that all my words are not my own. I could tell him he is my family and that I will stand with him no matter what. But instead I stand and watch him walk back to the loud jumble of people laughing and eating together. It'stoo late anyway. He's already here.

I cannot run from him now. I cannot flee. But I can save the others... perhaps.

* * *

I was so right. If Leia had only heeded my warning some of us could have survived this slaughter.

The knights of Ren are more powerful than anything I have ever seen. They cut down anything and everything in their paths. X-Wings take off all over carrying either skilled pilots wising to tackle the troopers from the air or terrified passengers instructed to either help fight or flee. Finn will be with his squadron of hardened soldiers and their lethal blasters. Some of them may survive but only as prisoners. The darkness in me is suffocating now. I see no hope after today. I wonder if it all spawns from the child within me, or just my own weakness to fight off the dark side.

Maybe my death will be for the best. Any child of Kylo Ren is not one which would bring light to the galaxy.

I swerve my already battered X-Wing to avoid a powerful shot by something on the ground. Dashing all over the place I do little to take out targets down there, too engulfed in watching my comrades fall on the field. Nothing will save us from this.

It takes me moments to realise I am no longer flying but falling. The back of my plane has exploded into dark smokey flames which fill the cockpit and choke the life out of me. Good, I would rather die this way than live at the hands of the beast who brings this horror upon us.

I try and steer the plane toward a large snow dune, fresh from last nights flurry. I brace myself for impact but when the little ship slams into the snow everything goes black around me.

It's only moments but it feels like years. I know I am heavily concussed, with probable bruising to my ribs and a possible broken wrist but I realise the X-Wings roof and clamber out. Stumbling away from my craft I head away from the fighting toward a segment of exploded ship. Two pilots in bright orange flight suits identical to my own crouch behind it with a woman all bloodied and broken laying between them.

"Rey! You're alive! Thank fuck Rey, we could use some of your magic right now!" The young pilot speaks with a strong accent and has a definitive growl to her voice. I cannot remember her name, but her deep green skin and black hair I have seen many times around the base. I often admired her strange beauty, but from afar. She is a little terrifying.

I smile at her and the other pilot, Carson if I'm right. He tends to the woman's wounds while lizard lady holds off any advancing troopers.

"Any word from the General? I lost contact with the commanders as soon as I took off."

"No," she shakes her green head and me and quickly takes out two stormtroopers heading our way. "So far all we've heard over the com was to fight them off as much as we can but everyone's been instructed to evacuate. They didn't see this coming."

I keep my face as blank as possible. _Yes they did_ I think to myself. But theres no use in that thinking now. A sudden explosion beneath us collapses the ground and we fall into one of the surface tunnels. Crumbled stone and wiring cover the snow and screaming echoes from along the hall. A deep rumbling from the direction of the screaming tells me exactly what the reason for the man's agony is. I spring toward the noise ignoring the cries of the other resistance fighters to run in the opposite direction.

"Stop this. He is of no use to you." I put as much venom into my voice as possible. Standing straighter to try and challenge his immense height, I reach for my lightsaber and am relieved to find it still securely strapped to my waist.

He does not speak, his mind a wall of stone against my attempts to invade his thoughts. We circle each other, eying up what we must destroy. In a flash his saber is in his hand and he brings it down on my head. I block his motion and swing my own weapon at him. I am tired and weak and my fighting shows this. Before the fight truly begins I can tell this is a duel I know I will lose. If I am lucky he will be merciful and simply kill me.

We battle in a flurry of flashing blue on red, the light of our weapons illuminating the dark cavern that was once part of Echo Base. A little thought comes into my head in the least appropriate moment. Han fought here, just as I do now. As did Luke and Leia. Yet here stands the remnants of their fallen family battling the side they lived to uphold.

He slashes and in a swift move removes the top of my lightsaber and kicks me to the ground.

He hesitates. We are alone in this freezing little alcove and he has no obligation to make this swift. I feel the heat radiate off of his crackling weapon, the blood red blade as unsteady as it's creator.

"Please. Just kill me. You owe me that much."

"I owe you nothing Rey, not the smallest kindness to ever exist in the entire expanse of the Universe." His words are menacing through the filter of his mask, but I know his true voice enough to imagine them form these same words. He does not mock me, nor call me all the cruel names he has conJured up over out time in company. My name will always sound alien to me coming from his lips.

"You have made me weak. And for that you will pay."

He speaks quietly, reverently even. Maybe he will just kill me.

His breathe rasps through the filter in his mask and he raises his lightsaber high over my head. I turn my face from him, cradling my aching wrist to my chest. A clutter of little blue globe thistles lie squashed beneath a large chunk of rock. This is the sanctuary garden, I realise. The flowers are still here. They survive even the wrath of monsters. Perhaps they will out-live us all.

I feel him move and for some reason my now swollen hand flies instinctively to my stomach. I squeeze my eyes shut and feel the calming waves of the force engulf me.

 _I will be strong. I will not scream._

But nothing comes. I wait and wait and no sudden jolt of heat slices my head from my shoulders. No deadly strike catapults me into whatever comes after this life. I open one eye slightly, my heart whizzing so fast my head spins, and see him standing over me with his lightsaber lowered by his side.

"Is it mine?" He speaks in a whisper so soft its almost unintelligible through the mask.

"I think you already know the answer to that." I push myself up from the snow and rocks beneath me. He backs away and quickly removes his helmet, revealing the flushed and terrified face beneath. I can hear the breath whooshing in and out of his lungs as all around us is silent. The fighting may have stopped above our heads. The entire world may have stopped spinning, the galaxy crashed in on itself and all life within it eradicated, but nothing disturbs our blank gaze into each others eyes. Until he does, turning away and trying to calm himself, grabbing onto a fallen piece on furniture and throwing it across the space. The already broken table smashes into tiny splinters against a pile of stone and ice. He turns back to me his eyes on fire with what could be anything from rage to insanity. I gasp as he strides toward me with the strong fire in his eyes. He is truly more terrifying now than I have ever seen him before. He quickly gathers me into his arms, muscles capturing me in his clutch. My hands are crushed against his chest and I cry out in pain as my already fracture wrist throbs in agony.

He seems not to notice. This is not a lovers embrace, or his attempt to comfort me in these desperate times. This is him seeking some soft of hold on the world. This broken man needs something to grab onto so he does not fall into the black hole that has opened beneath our feet. I collapse into him, wrapping my arms tight around his waist and hiding my face in the strong cloth of his uniform. We stumble over small debris but he does not let me hit the ground. Instead I end up in a heap on his lap.

He is a stranger to me. A dying soul to match my own. How could this have happened, why does fate have to be so cruel to all of us who only ever _try_.

 _There's no such thing as fate Rey._

His voice is a harsh reminder that with him I have to hide myself, my thoughts and emotions. I will always have to hide from this man.

We sit in our embrace for years. Empires rise and fall around us, we are the stones that we rest on. We are the flowers that refuse to give in to the cold. We are the strength in a delicate little petal designed to be ripped apart.

I open my eyes and gaze again at the little blue thistles.

"What are we going to do?" He asks me, as if he gets a say in what _I_ choose to do with what grows within me. Kylo Ren is no father. If I choose to love this child with all my being then so I shall, but he will have to pry it from my cold dead hands if he wishes any contact.

"I don't know."


	8. True Fear

_**Quick note before I start, due to stuff coming up and other obligations updates on this may slow a bit. I hate to be inconsistent but I will only really write well when inspiration strikes, rarely so now real life has recommenced.**_

 _ **Reviews, follows and favourites make me smile :))))**_

 _ **.**_

 _It's evening, and all are in their finest ball gowns and jewellery for this special dinner and dance to commemorate some new union in planets or an anniversary or any of the senate's excuses to throw a party. Four young boys dash through the mingling politicians and socialites in a wild game of chase. They duck and dive and weave through the crowd bumping and sliding all over the place in their fancy too-big-for-their-feet shoes and little suits that are already stained and scuffed from the rough games the night has inspired._

 _Trailing behind is a pale dark haired boy, slightly younger than the rest but taller and more gangly and awkward. He runs slower to avoid the adults who give him condescending looks and tut at the children's wild behaviour._

 _He would tell them it was not his idea, that he would happily sit and talk to the one of the great archive librarians of the republic and pick her brains on anything he could think of. His mother had always told him the only truly wise people in the galaxy were those who observed and remembered. But alas his father would not have him left out of the 'fun' and suggested this childish hunt._

 _But even at such a young age, the boy was in touch with the force within him. He stopped running, closed his eyes and searched for the others with his feelings. Within minutes he found their hiding spot and calmly walked to the closet where they hid and swung the door open._

 _"I win." He had said, bloated with the power he felt that he had something these boys did not._

 _"you cheated didn't you Ben. That's not fair, what's the point in you playing if you won't do it right?"_

 _"I wouldn't be so proud of being a freak Ben Solo, my dad says the force users only cause trouble and that one day people will realise that and put a stop to them all." The chubby ginger boy was ridiculously spoiled and had something mean to say about almost everyone different to him in the entire galaxy._

 _"You're father is a fool Hux, if he thinks that the galaxy would even survive without force sensitive people. We bring balance and peace."_

 _Ben quoted his uncles words but they felt alien on his tongue. What use was there arguing this with these boys who dreamt of battles and great warriors? Peace was for girls as far as they saw it._

 _"If you're so powerful Ben then you can get out of the cupboard, if we lock you in. Its only a little lock, see?"_

 _The sliding bolt on the closet door did look old and rickety, thought Ben. He had faith in his powers, and thought a little showing off would gain the respect of these boys. Not that he particularly wanted their friendship more his father would be happier to see him the center of this little group._

 _So he climbed inside and listened to them lock the closet door. It was only when within Ben realised this was one of the Coruscant vinewood cabinets build to hide ones most precious possessions. And somehow the boys had worked out how to deadlock it with Ben trapped inside._

 _They squealed with laughter at their little trick. How foolish he was, to have fallen for something such as this. Why did he not sense the lie? The falsehood of these evil boys, he was a Jedi after all. Well not quite yet._

 _The closet seemed to be growing smaller and Ben struggled to control his breathing as he slammed his hands onto the doors. He would not call out for them to release him, they wanted that. But his head was spinning and he felt sick to his stomach at the woody smell and dusty air of the cabinet. He kicked and punched and felt his own hand crack against the impenetrable wood of the door. The pain was intense and Ben found himself doing something his uncle had warned him never to do. He drew from the pain, letting it fuel his power along with his fear and anger. He tried to control this energy and willed the doors to swing open but it was too hot and too small and Ben hated how the entire world was in that closet with him crushing him leaving him to space to even think._

 _He threw himself at the door and felt the cabinet lurch forward slamming into the marble floor with a loud bang. This did not shatter the wood and allow him freedom but transformed the tiny space into a coffin. Ben screamed out then letting his arms flail out and explode around him. Cold air rushed into his lungs as the high ceilings and long hall returned. But it was a scene of carnage. There was blood, his own and that of those who had been near when the extremely rare vinewood decoration had fallen to the ground then combusted before their eyes. Splinters of wood were everywhere and many had been hit ._

 _It was a miracle no one was killed._

 _Ben knew it was all his fault. That the shock of what he had done would soon wear off and people would realise only something dark and sinister could have given a seven year old the power to blow up an entire hallway with just his own force manipulation._

 _The darkness was planted then. There had been tines before when it had... Called to him... but he had never actually used it. Master luke would figure out how Ben did it. Master Luke was already wary of Ben._

 _He stood from the wreckage of the cabinet and ran away from the injury and fear out to the back steps of the grand hotel they dined and danced in. He sat in the cold and waited for his mother to find him. She would know he would hide outside, with the stars._

 _"You were scared Ben, we all get scared sometimes." she had said "theres no shame in fear." She had said, with the more sincere smile and comforting hug Ben could wish for._

 _"Mother... will you live me even if I become a dark sith lord like grandpa?" Ben had asked, his voice wobbling fearing the answer._

 _"of course I will, but you won't Ben. You're too much of a softy to be a sith" Leia smiled at her small son who giggled back at her. He was not like a bog should be but he secretly didn't mind. He prefered the soft voice of his mother and quiet reading to his fathers loud sarcasm and need for speed._

 _"Plus your grandpa wore a big mask and suit Ben, a lot of them did. Helmets and claustrophobia aren't aren't a great mix honey."_

 _They laughed and sat together, their strong bond in the force glowing around them invisible yet visible to all who saw them._

 _Ben Solo never overcame his fear of confinement..._

And neither did Kylo Ren.

But they had very different ways of dealing with it.

,

I stare out into the depths of space and watch as Hoth disappears into a blur of colour when we enter hyper space. The ship shudders and shakes and I am reminded how little I care for speeds like these. When there is such beauty and power in the untamable abyss why rocket past them missing all the wonders of the universe to behold? I digress, speed only appeals to me when time is of the essence, and in this case it most certainly is. Rey has been sedated and is locked in my personal meditation chamber at the heart of the ship with no access to any outside communication. She would be fine.

I, however, may not.

A _child?_ I am no father, I am no loving creature that would protect and care for this child the way it should be. But then Solo men are not known for their paternal nature. Dysfunctional family structure runs in my veins.

The ship suddenly jolts forward and gains rapid momentum. The floor beneath me shakes and I see crew members rush in little flurries failing to remain calm.

"What has happened lieutenant?" I ask a short stocky man with glasses too large for his face and an expression that indicates he may vomit in the near future.

"Sir, well, we seem to have entered an asteroid field Sir, unexpectedly and the internal communications systems seem to be malfunctioning at present but-"

I silence him and head straight for the lower deck where the little Jedi sleeps. If chaos has ensued no doubt she is behind it.

I barrel past the idiotic storm troopers who guard the chamber and begin unlocking the intricate system that holds her captive. The spherical room opens itself to me and a very awake Rey sits cross legged in the floor.

"what's wrong with the ship Ben?"

"This is no time for your games Rey, you are saying this is nothing to do with you?" I ignore her use of my old name, but cannot help the stir in my chest when her eyes meet mine. These are not my emotions, I do not feel this way.

She shakes her head and continuous to search my mask with her keen stare trying to penetrate its guise. Letting myself drift I find Commander Kache's thoughts and despair at what he sees. The fault in communications systems has hidden the extent of the damage to the ship which is now rapidly deteriorating in the current airspace. The rumble underfoot is caused by massive chunks of debris pummeling every inch of the ship and with the current momentum there is no way to safely navigate out of the field.

"Come with me. Now."

Rey is confused and startled at my tone but I don't wast time in grabbing her arm and pulling her along with me to the nearest shuttle hatch. I quickly put her in a flight suit and full space walk harness. She sees this and gasps holding the round helmet to her face.

"Is it that bad?"

I simply look at her and she knows. This has been no accident, there are obviously traitors on the bridge who have flown us straight into this mess. The ship is not large and there are few detaching fully automated shuttles. Two actually. I round up as many storm troopers as I can fit onto the shuttle and begin to dress in my own emergency suit. In involves removing the mask, an unpleasant task when surrounded by subordinates. Nevertheless I set the course for the nearest planet and turn back to where I told Rey to stand and await instruction.

But of course she is not there. Feeling her strong force signature, even more stark to me now, I follow her trail of emotion round to a blaster bay and controls unit.

"You either leave with us or die on this ship Rey and I will not allow the second. It will be so much easier if you comply, for you as well."

"I will not be your prisoner Kylo Ren. I would rather die on this ship. Its best if I die on this ship."

There is no time for this, not now. The morals of our...mistake, can be argued later. I quickly close the gao between us and in one swift movement have her over my shoulder, conscious of being gentle on her stomach. She kicks and punches and may or may not manage to crack one of my ribs with a sharp boot to the chest before I get her in the shuttle. The troopers stand and I stand over her, forcing her to remain seated and stuck in place. The shuttle is maneuvered in and out of meteoroid after meteoroid and Rey grumbles at the pilots apparent incompetency as the little ship is struck twice by smaller chunks of space rock.

The blast is sudden and sharp. My ears ring and chest burns as darkness and a sickening spinning sensation leaves me struck and unable to comprehend what has happened. I cling on to the little body beneath me. We fly and fall and explode from the shuttle, no air enters my lungs as I begin to make out the scene before me. With Nothing but spinning blackness in my vision I squeeze my eyes shut and breathe.

I never liked small spaces. I hated being confined and squeezed and shoved and oppressed. Sometimes even a large room felt miniscule when it was full of people who didn't understand you. Being anywhere like this was horrifying and filled me with such fear I would sit for hours in darkness afterward trying to calm myself after an ordeal. Small spaces were scary.

But out here in the great expanses of space with nothing around me for hundred of miles, I am more terrified than ever.


	9. Interstellar

Floating.

Surreal and beautiful and terrifying all at once, I stretch out a hand and watch it move slowly across my vision. Inside the suit is sweaty and I can feel an awful pressure on my right leg which tells me its badly broken but for now it is just me and this gloriously vast horizon.

It takes me some time, but I soon see the other white suit, slowly gliding toward me. We are in orbit of one another, the largest masses in this between star state of course we will be pulled together. We are interstellar. Now, even without the force we are bound.

I feel myself being pulled more toward him now. Him. The darkness of Kylo Ren and his fierce passionate kisses, wicked smirk and terrifying presence. But also Ben, scared and kind and loyal Ben who cried when he hurt me.

Ben who was so afraid of the dark side he created a whole other persona just to embrace it. Ben, the very definition of the grey in-between.

I reach him after some time. He breathes heavily in his suit.

 _I can't Rey. It's too big and too small and I can't breathe._

His voice is like a child's in my head. I reassure him, letting calm thoughts fill his mind. I don't have many happy memories to surround him with so instead I show him the first Jedi temple. The lush fields and the calm sea. I can almost hear the rush of the tide as it sweeps away all badness from us both. He grips my arms and I fold into his embrace our spherical helmets blocking our lips from meeting. I long to feel him. To be just us in a quiet existence without his constant battle between dark and light. I wish to be a happy and bright young woman that doesn't constantly fear everything she loves will disappear. I wish to eat a meal without first having to calculate how many weeks worth of scavenging would get me a meagre equivalent. I wish Ben Solo had won on the bridge on Starkiller and that Han Solo was still alive.

I wish the child within me would call out to me and make me love it because all I know now is that it will bring nothing but suffering. I will not let it become like its father.

But its mother is no better.

We spin very slowly, clinging onto each other like lost lovers meeting after years apart. I share little snippets of my life and he does the same. I find memories of the night we spent on Harriscon and the beauty that surrounds those images in his mind brings tears to my eyes.

I see myself through his vision. I am so much more majestic, graceful even through his eyes.

A violent stroke of a borrowed blue lightsaber that burns my skin is easily ignored because the girl that delivered the blow had every right. She is pure clarity.

How is she me? How can we coexist? A funny little thought pops into my head that this is exactly what a young Ben must have felt all these years ago.

I can be his clarity some of the time. To be Tha perfect always is a task no human could for fill.

So now we just breathe.

It could have been hours, days even before a shuttle comes whizzing toward us. A freight carrier, with refugees and smugglers on board. I wave my arms frantically and the pilot sees us. To those on board we are no one.

As this little grey ship nears us I take a last look at the endless vacuum that space truly is.

He and I, we are interstellar.


End file.
